Batman vs The Talk
by Vashti93
Summary: Bruce has to give *shutter* the talk. It can't be that hard, at least, it should be easier than fighting the joker. Disclaimer: I own no one or thing in the Batman universe, but Daniella Dahlia Wayne is mine. (Fourth in the Daniella Wayne series)


"Yes, Alfred," Bruce Wayne answered the phone as he sped down the highway.

"Sir," Alfred said, "will you be able to pick up Miss Daniella from school?"

"From school?" Bruce asked. "It's only 12:30. I'm on my way to a meeting. Why? What happened?"

"The headmistress called. Miss Daniella is suspended for the next two weeks."

"What!" Bruce exclaimed in surprise, "why?"

"She would not say, sir. But there is to be a meeting with the headmistress tomorrow morning." Bruce released an exasperated sigh. "I'm on my way, Alfred," he said as he made an illegal u-turn.

"Very good, sir. Miss Daniella will be waiting outside."

* * *

Bruce and Daniella entered the mansion. "Let's talk in the kitchen," Bruce said. He hadn't been able to discuss the suspension with Daniella in the car. He'd been in the middle of a conference call by the time he reached her school.

Daniella trudged slowly to the kitchen. She unceremoniously dumped her bookbag on the counter and took a seat on the stool. Bruce and Alfred stood opposite her, their arms folded.

"Talk," Bruce demanded.

"I honestly don't know what happened," Daniella began. "You know that boy Joshua? He's in my math class. He has brown hair and turquoise green eyes."

"Okay," Bruce said unsure where this conversation was going.

"Well usually," Daniella continued, "I fight the urge to kill him every time he opens his mouth."

"Literally kill him?" Alfred questioned. Daniella answered with a definitive "yes", before continuing. "Today, something different happened." She paused for affect. "He said he liked my shirt." Bruce and Alfred gave her a blank stare. "I fail to see why that would merit a broken jaw," Bruce stated.

"Like I said, usually I want to kill him. But the oddest thing happened. Suddenly, I felt nauseated. I was dizzy. Alfred knows what I'm talking about. It's the way I get around Jonathan." Alfred nodded in understanding. "I wanted to kiss him!" Daniella cried. "On the lips! Ahhh!" she released an angry wail while banging her head on the counter. Hard.

"Wha-wha-what do you mean on the lips?" Bruce sputtered.

"Exactly that," Daniella looked up woefully. "I wanted to touch his lips with my lips. It was awful."

"I agree," Bruce said.

"I didn't think I would be able to control myself. I was honestly afraid that I was going to lose control and throw my arms around him and kiss him. So I punched him in the face instead."

"And broke his jaw," Alfred said.

"Yes."

"Thank God," Bruce muttered with his face in hand.

"Ahem," Alfred cleared his throat giving Bruce a look. "Miss Daniella, why don't you retire to the library? I'll be along shortly with some tea." Daniella dejectedly left the kitchen. "It's time, Master Bruce," Alfred said once Daniella exited the kitchen.

"What do you mean, Alfred?" Bruce asked.

"The sex talk," Alfred said, "it's time you gave Daniella the sex talk."

"I refuse," Bruce said resolutely.

"Master Bruce," Alfred said sternly, "you've put this off for year and a half, now. It's high time that Daniella learns about the birds and the bees."

"No. I can't," Bruce began to back away from the butler. "I can't, Alfred. You don't understand. I barely survived shopping for pads the first time. I haven't been able to go back to a store since then. It was traumatic."

"You have to do this."

"I can't."

"You're Batman," Alfred argued.

"Batman would rather face the Joker than have this conversation."

"Master Bruce," Alfred said forcefully. "The way I see it, you have three options. _You_ can talk to her about sex. She can learn about sex online, which will traumatize her. Or she can learn from Dick and Jason," he finished with a satisfied smirk. Bruce groaned in pain. "Alfred…" he moaned like a child.

"Now now, Master Bruce," Alfred began pulling teacups from the cupboard. "You've survived much worse than this. You have until the tea is ready to prepare for the conversation at hand."

* * *

Bruce entered the library sullenly, carrying two hot cups of tea. Daniella didn't hear his entrance as she was too engrossed in her book. "What are you reading?" Bruce asked approaching her.

_"The Count of Monte Cristo," _she answered.

"Alexandre Dumas," Bruce grabbed a cupholder before setting the mugs on the table. "I'm more of a Dickens man myself." Daniella closed the book, giving Bruce her complete attention. "Daniella…"

"I'm grounded for life, aren't I?"

"No," Bruce answered. "I think it's time you and I had the talk."

"What talk?"

"_The _talk?"

"About what?" she cocked her head to the side, clearly confused.

"You know," he said sitting opposite her, "about sex."

"Oh I already know all about sex," she answered a lightly.

"Really?" Bruce asked with a raised brow. "Talia told you about sex? A little young if you ask me."

"Well, she didn't really get into the specifics of it. She kept telling me about a specific set of womanly wiles I would one day have to learn that would make me a more efficient killer. I assumed she was alluding to sex. But since I am no longer planning to become the world's most feared assassin, I figure sex is not something I should worry about."

"Well…ahem…sex isn't just for killing."

"Ah, you mean procreation. Don't worry, Father, I do not plan on giving birth to offspring any time soon. But I already know the mechanics involved in procreation. The man's penis-"

"Okay okay okay just stop, please," Bruce said, rubbing his temples. "Umm…there's more to sex than procreation." Daniella continued to stare at her father intently while sipping her tea. "Like what?" she asked.

"Like…well….fun," Bruce said slowly.

"Fun?" Daniella asked.

"Yes. Fun."

"So, if I want to have fun, I should go have sex with someone?"

"No no no no no no!" Bruce screamed jumping to his feet. "No no no no no no. Just…wait here for a moment," he said briskly walking towards the door. "I'll be right back." He exited the library.

"Sir," Bruce whirled around to see Alfred behind him, "what are you doing?"

"I'm calling Diana," he said with the phone against his ear.

"Sir-" Bruce held up his finger cutting Alfred off. "Diana," Bruce greeted. "Hey, I need a favor. I need you to give Daniella the sex talk. I figured since you grew up on an island with all females you would-" Suddenly obnoxiously loud laughter could be heard from the other end. "What's so funny?" Bruce asked.

_"You're giving Daniella the sex talk? Now?" _she continued to guffaw loudly.

"Diana," Bruce mumbled.

_"Hold on. Hold on. Shay!" _he heard Diana scream. _"Shay! Bruce is giving Daniella the sex talk!"_

_ "What!" _he heard Shayera scream. _"Ha ha ha ha ha!" _Shayera joined in the laughter.

"Real mature, guys," he muttered into the phone.

_"Batman giving the sex talk!" _Shayera continued.

_"If only villains could see you now," _Diana added still laughing uncontrollably.

_"Hey, Bruce," _Shayera said, _"are you wearing your batman costume?"_

_ "Omigosh, I'm dying," _Diana said between laughs.

_"Can you record yourself giving the talk. Or better yet, put us on speaker," _Shayera said through her laughter.

_"Clark! John!" _Bruce heard Diana scream. _"Get over here. Bruce is telling Daniella about sex!" _Bruce immediately hung up the phone. "Well they seemed helpful," Alfred muttered. Bruce groaned. "Should I call Selina, sir?"

"No, Alfred, we are not calling my ex. Besides, she'd just laugh at me, too." Bruce let out another painful moan. "I can do this," he said.

"Yes you can, sir," Alfred nodded in agreement. "I have complete faith in you."

"I'm gonna go back in there. Wish me luck."

"Good luck, sir."

Two hours. They had been at this for two hours. Daniella had a notebook taking notes; Bruce was slumped in his chair, dark circles under his eyes. "So what you're saying is," Daniella said, "I should only have sex with the person I love."

"Yes," Bruce said exasperatedly.

"But you have sex all of the time. With a lot of different women. You don't love them."

"It's been a while since I last had sex," Bruce argued.

"1 year, 7 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days by my estimation," Daniella said matter-of-factly. "The day you officially ended your relationship with Selina. Jason says you need to get back out there and let loose because your wound up too tight. He also says you need to get laid to release some of your tension."

"What did I say about hanging out with Jason?"

"To limit the amount of time I spend with him. I have only spent 35 minutes in his presence this week. I only talk to him when he comes over. And that's a rare occurrence. I don't even have his phone number. But back to sex. Why can't I have as much sex as you?"

"Because…people will call you names."

"I don't care what people say about me. You don't care about what people think of you."

"Yes, but it's different."

"How?"

"I'm an adult."

"So when I become an adult I can have as much sex as you?"

"No," Bruce said firmly. "Daniella," he leaned forward, "sex is more than a physical act between two people. There's a reason why it is referred to as 'making love'."

"So you made love with all of those women?" she asked with wide eyes.

"Well…no," he answered.

"But you just said-" she was cut off by a knock at the library door.

"Thank you, God," Bruce muttered under his breath as he walked to the library door. He opened it tiredly. "Shayera," he breathed out in relief.

"Alfred said you needed help," she said with a soft smile. "Diana would have come, but she was still laughing," she added nervously.

"No no no. It's fine," he said smiling at her. "She's all yours," he said allowing her to enter the library.

"Hello, Daniella," Shayera said.

"Hello, Shayera," Bruce heard Daniella reply before closing the door.

Bruce walked/stumbled to his study and plopped himself down behind the desk. Alfred followed closely. "Vodka," Bruce said, his forehead resting against his desk in utter defeat.

"Isn't it a bit early, sir? The sun is still up, sir," Alfred said with a twinkle in his eye.

"Leave the bottle," was the only response Bruce gave.

"Whatever you say, sir," Alfred said with a chuckle.

**Meanwhile….**

"So you want to know about sex," Shayera stated as she sat across from the newest Robin.

"I already know about sex," Daniella said. Shayera raised a brow in disbelief. "No really," Daniella insisted. "I researched it after my first menstrual bleeding. Medical journals. Blogs. Books about puberty."

"Really?" Shayera asked clearly shocked.

"Yeah. You saw what happened with Father and Dick when I needed pads. They completely fell apart. There was an uptake in crime that week because no criminals took Batman seriously. I couldn't have that disaster happen again."

"So…the talk just now…"

"Oh," Daniella said, her face breaking out into a huge grin, "I just wanted to make Father uncomfortable. It was hilarious. I recorded the whole thing."

"Really?" Shayera asked with glee. "Send it to me so I can send it to Diana."

"Done," Daniella said grabbing her phone.

"But the thing with the boy at school…." Shayera began.

"Oh no, that was real. I did have an urge to kiss him. So I decided to hit him instead. The nausea and dizziness that comes when I interact with a guy I find attractive still confuses me. Maybe you can teach me how to…act normal around cute guys?" she asked uneasily.

"No problem," Shayera said with a warm smile.

**At the Watchtower….**

Diana sat on her bed sharpening her sword when her phone began to _ding._ She was receiving a message from Shayera. "A voice recording," she said. She hit play. Her eyes then widened after a few moments. She ran to her opened bedroom door. "Clark! John!" she screamed down the hall. "You guys have to hear this!"


End file.
